Let Go

It has been a little over 3 years that we have been trying to have another baby.  We have been back at the fertility center doing round after round of treatments for 2 years.  It's heartbreaking.  It's hard.  It's frustrating.  It SUCKS!

I am so tired of this process.  I really want to be done feeling and living like this, but as soon as I say that I know I'm just trying to make myself feel better and that won't make me feel better because we want another baby more than anything.  We look at our girls and are so overcome with how much we love them and how proud we are of them and can't help but feel that our family isn't complete yet.  However, after my last round of treatment my doctor's office called and said that I had two choices.  I could go ahead with another cycle or what he would prefer is to have us come in for a consultation because we've done so many rounds with no success and he'd like to talk to us about that.  I asked the nurse if he was going to tell me it was time to give up and she said she wasn't sure.  I think that is medical code for "I can't tell you that over the phone.  We need your co-pay for that".  I hope I'm wrong and I hope that he has another new trick up his sleeve he'd like to discuss and just completely change the treatment option but we've had several sit down meetings with him and he always told me I'm kind of a mystery and there was nothing else we could do but what we're doing and at some point the odds will be in my favor.  Well that hasn't happened yet.  I can't help but think this is never going to happen again and that is why we were blessed with twins the first time.

Tomorrow is our appointment and I'm very anxious.  I had said I wanted them to tell me if we should give up because then it isn't me making that decision, because I just CAN'T do that.  I'm not ready to give up even though I really want to.  Does that make sense?  So in the mean time I'm back to listening non-stop to my go-to CD when I'm struggling - Matt Hammitt, the lead singer of Sanctus Real's solo album.  Currently the song I have on repeat is Let Go.  It is about leaving it in God's hands because obviously I don't know how this is going to play out but He does.  If you want to hear the song click here. The lyrics are exactly what I need to hear right now.

I want to hold on 'cause I'm afraid
And I didn't ask for it to be this way
Somehow I found myself caught in the grey
Reaching out for fear, running out of faith

You know what I don't
So help me to let go
You're in control
So help me to let go
I want to let go

I want to let go of what I can't change
'Cause I can't wrap my mind around Your ways
I've got more questions than I have answers these days
Please don't let my suffering go to waste

You know what I don't
So help me to let go
You're in control
So help me to let go
I want to let go

These are the moments it's hard to believe
So please help me, please help me
These are the moments of surrendering
So please help me, please help me

'Cause you know what I don't
So help me to let go
You're in control
So help me to let go
I want to let go

Having no control over this is so very hard for me.  I'm doing all that I can and it isn't working.  I need to have some divine assistance here and find a way to have some peace in my heart because currently it is a storm in there in.  We could use some prayers.