Disappointment and Frustration

I'm going to have a little pity party for myself right now. Wes and I have been trying to have another baby pretty much since the girls were born. We were really hoping we were going to be one of those lucky couples with fertility issues that miraculously gets pregnant on their own after having a baby(ies). Supposedly, women are much more fertile for the first year after giving birth. Well, a year and a half came and went with no such luck for us. I wasn't too stressed about it since I was very busy with my two beautiful girls, but it was in the back of my mind that we would probably need to head back to the fertility center at this point.

In December, we had our first appointment. We just had a consultation and decided we would wait until after the holidays and try to figure out some of my medical issues that get in my way. I have a pituitary tumor that causes certain hormones in my body to think I am pregnant or nursing, which in turns means my body doesn't create the hormones I need to get pregnant. I've known about this tumor since I was 18. It is benign and I have seen many different doctors and taken a lot of medication and nothing seems to suppress the symptoms. Hence the reason we are patients at the fertility center. They have medicine that can "trick my brain" which does make me a little nervous but if that is what I have to do to have children then bring it on. Did I mention this medicine is a shot that I have to inject into my stomach!!!!! It makes my stomach sore and it is such a mind game I have to have with myself every time I have to do it. The thought of sticking the needle in my skin is really hard for me so I have to pump myself up each time. So in December after meeting with the fertility doctor, he suggested I go back to my endocrinologist to see if a few of his theories could be correct and we could have a solution. I had another MRI and found that the tumor is not growing but not going away. I seem to baffle him all the time because he NEVER has an answer for me as to what is going on or why I don't respond to the medication. FRUSTRATION!!!

By the end of January I decided to forget about that route. I knew it would be a dead end......it has been for 10 years! They won't figure me out and I'm not going to sit around and wait for them to pretend to try. So if I wasn't going to naturally have a period then I can have a fake one by taking Provera. It is a pill that after taking for 10-14 days it will trigger a period 3-14 after your last dose. I took that and waited my 2 weeks and a period never came. The doctor said maybe I just didn't need one and so I began my first round of shots. I can't remember how many days I took them that month but it was a slow moving process and I didn't have my IUI until March 3rd. After an IUI, you shouldn't know if you are pregnant or not until 2 weeks have passed. One week passed and I started my period........not pregnant. :( I was bummed because this was all happening at the time that Nancy passed away and I was already massively depressed, but I also knew it was our first try and I didn't want to get to discouraged. That was hard though because I just had it in my head that it would be easier this time. My body knows what it is like to be pregnant and I just hoped it would figure it out quicker. Plus, I only ever had one other IUI and that gave me twins!

After that round we decided to wait until the summer to try again because each cycle requires a lot of doctor appointments and I didn't want to use up sick days that I will need for a maternity leave eventually and I also didn't really want to be due in the winter months. In the middle of May I started taking Provera again in hopes that it would give me a period in the beginning of June so I would be set to get started on shots again right away when summer started. I took the Provera for 14 days and then waited another 14 days and again no period. Weird. I always responded to it in the past. I had counted the days out numerous times trying to time things just right because I was going to Chicago with my friends in the middle of June. Well since Provera didn't work things got delayed and wouldn't you know it I had to have my IUI the exact weekend I was going to Chicago so I had to cancel. I was so upset but decided that I have to put this first if I really want to have another baby. Exactly like in March I started my period one week later (which shouldn't happen, it should be 2 weeks). I was so upset. I had my work friends over for a game night when I started and I really just wanted to go in my room and cry my eyes out but they were a great distraction.

I called my doctor in the morning and they scheduled an appointment for me 2 days later and thankfully I was able to just jump right back into my shots. In the past I was never able to try 2 months in a row. They always made me take a month or two off in between rounds so I was so glad that I didn't have to sit and wait. I always feel better when I am actually doing something and not just waiting. This time I just felt was going to be it. Getting pregnant in July would make me due in April which is exactly what I would pick if I had that luxury. I got started on my shots and had a positive attitude. Wes and I went to Cincinnati for our anniversary and we had taken the girls to his mom and step-dad's house. When we were almost to their house (2 hours away) I realized that I miscounted the days we would be gone somehow and I hadn't packed enough of my shots. I was freaking out and pissed that this would once again change my plans. I already missed Chicago and now we would have to cut this weekend short so I could get home to get my meds. I didn't know he did this, but Wes mentioned this to his mom and she said that they would get it for me. We had planned to be in Cincy Friday and Saturday and then pick up the girls on Sunday and go to Loramie for the fireworks and then home on Monday. I wouldn't have enough shots for Sunday so we would have to go home early. Well, Scott, my AMAZING step father-in-law got up early Saturday morning and drove 2 hours to our house to get my shot and then turned around and came straight back! It still makes me tear up when I think of how awesome that was. He told me he knew this was so important so it was no big deal. I took shots for 14 days. On the 13th day they said I would need one more day of shots but I was out of meds. They order it for me and luckily my insurance pays for it but I have to get it through our mail-order pharmacy. I only pay $13 for a months supply. The problem is the nurses at the fertility center can't know how much I will need and so they have to make a guess. Well, they didn't guess enough this time and my insurance only allows me to get medication once a month so if I needed 2 more amps I would have to go to the hospital pharmacy and pay out of pocket. I had to do it. The eggs weren't quite ready and I had already done 13 days of them. I wasn't just going to throw it away. Two amps cost me $200!!!! In perspective, I usually pay 27 CENTS an amp!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, each IUI costs $400. I know it could be worse and I'm so lucky my insurance pays for my shots but this is still a costly process. Especially when I think about all of the people who just get pregnant without trying or even wanting to.

We had our last IUI on July 14th and I was feeling so positive.............until I got up to go to the bathroom last night and started my period. Stella had woken up around 3:00 and came to tell us she needed to go potty. Wes took her and that's when I got up to go to the bathroom. I just sat there sobbing. I really thought this time around would be easier to deal with because I don't have to wonder if I will ever get pregnant. I know my body CAN do it and I have the distraction of my girls so I won't just sit and think about this every waking second like I did before. Well, my girls do help but the extreme roller coaster ride of emotions that come along with fertility treatments is still the same. Am I being selfish for wanting more when I have two amazing daughters already? I don't feel like it's fair that I even have to wonder this. Most normal people can just decide they want to have another baby and it just happens. I hate that that was taken away from me. We are great parents. Sure we make mistakes, everyone does, but we love our girls with everything we've got and we do the best we can every day. I just don't understand why this has to be such a struggle for us. Last time it took us 27 months to have a successful pregnancy and this time we are about to begin our 25th month of trying now.

I'm sorry this is so long and probably overly detailed for people but I just feel better getting it out there. Wes headed to Cincy again today to go to another Reds game with his friends and he is dropping the girls off to his mom's house for the night. I have a wedding to go to that I am totally dreading because I am sad and bitter right now. My husband wasn't invited (?????) and I haven't gone to a wedding without him since long before we were married. It just sucks. I also hate being away from my girls. I cried after they pulled out of the driveway and I know that this is intensified because of my grief over not being pregnant yet. We've talked about babies with the girls and they keep telling me "Mommy, I want a baby! You needa have a baby." I, of course, love this and ask them if they want a boy baby or a girl baby, a brother or a sister. They both always say a brother or a boy baby. I sure hope I can give them (and Wes!) what we all want so bad it hurts!