Peanut

Three years ago yesterday (September 11th) should have been the due date of our first little one. It is a day that is always hard for me because I can't help but wonder what might have been. It is also hard because no one else grieves this baby but me. Even Wes. But I do. I always will. It was our baby that we wanted so badly and for some reason it just wasn't meant to be. I will never understand. I do know that I cannot wait to meet our sweet angel in heaven one day! I don't know why, but I've always thought it was a boy and someday I will know for sure!

These are the only picture memories I have of that baby. I look at them often and I can always remember the way I felt in each of these pictures. Finally a positive test! Wes was coaching and was going to be gone for 7 hours. I had thought that I had my period 2 weeks before this but something just didn't feel right so I took a test. I could not believe it when I saw it so I took another one. I called him screaming and crying so hard that he thought I was hurt. I went over to my parents' house because I was so out-of-my-mind excited and I just couldn't sit home alone all day. It was Saturday, January 12, 2008.

Finally, Wes got to my parents' house and my sister was there and took pictures of us the first time we saw each other after we found out. These pictures are so precious to me.

We had a birthday party for one of my friends that night. It was at a bar and Wes didn't want me to stay since I was pregnant and it was smoky. I thought that was so sweet that he was already concerned. I was 6 weeks along. So we went home and I got out the little shirt we had bought at Gap for our future child while we were wishing for a baby and we took a few more pictures. It said "I've got the world's greatest dad" with baseballs all around it. We were so excited!

We talked and dreamed about our future child all day on Sunday and I took Monday off so that I could go and get blood work done. I went to the lab and did my test and then went to my sister's house to hang with her and Will. She used to have Mondays off. I waited all day to hear from the nurse and when they called the news wasn't good. She told me my due date but also that my HCG was lower than it should have been and my progesterone was very low. She said they would want a repeat test on Wednesday and hopefully the numbers would go up. I was so upset. I had Bunco that night and I decided to go. I told my friends there because I wanted this to be real and I thought if I told some people it would make it better. One of my friends, who had trouble getting pregnant the first time, cried for me because she was so excited. I didn't tell them the numbers were low. :(

Somehow I managed to get through Tuesday. Wednesday I had the bloodwork done before work and all day my stomach was in such knots that I could hardly stand up. When the nurse called that night she said the HCG had went up but it wasn't doubling as it should and my progesterone was still just 1. She said they needed to see me the next day. I talked to my aunt, who was a labor and delivery nurse, that night and she said that she suspected an ectopic pregnancy but she gave me the number of a friend of her's that was midwife. I spoke to her for an hour that night and she pretty much confirmed my aunt's suspicion. I don't think I slept that night.

Thursday Wes and I had subs and we headed to the fertility center. They did an ultrasound and confirmed that the baby was implanted in my tube and that the pregnancy would have to be terminated because there was no survival rate for the child and it could be life-threatening for me if the tube would burst. Again, I have no words for the way I felt at that moment. I was having a "medical abortion" to end the life of this baby I wanted so badly. I can't even remember all the different things we had to do that day but I know that we were at the hospital from 9:30-4:30. We had to kill time in between the different procedures and we spent time in the cafeteria and gift shop and even went to the mall. It was horrible. There were babies everywhere. We even ran into our wedding photographer and her daughter who was on her first outing with her brand new baby. Julie, our photographer, obviously had no idea what was going on with us and asked us if we were going to have a baby anytime soon. I don't even know what I said.

In the end I had to have the procedure repeated because as the doctor explained it was a very good embryo and it was trying to hang on. That made it even worse for me. It took over 2 months for my body to completely absorb the pregnancy and it was both emotionally and physically painful. I think this is why this is so hard for me to move on and no one else really has to deal with it. I joined a support group that really helped me and I continued going until I was pregnant with the girls 9 months later. In fact, I went to the doctor September 10, 2008 to say that I had to be doing something because I couldn't have my due date come (the next day) and not be at least in the process of doing shots to have another baby. He said okay and we started that day. I got pregnant with the girls September 20th!

One of the ladies in my support group gave me a book that had a poem in it that I just read over and over while we continued to try (and fail) to get pregnant again. I still read it now because we are struggling again but also to remember my first sweet, sweet baby.

A Different Child

By: Pandora Waldron

A different child,

People notice

There’s a special glow around you.

You grow

Surrounded by love,

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father’s eyes.

And if sometimes

Between the smiles

There’s a trace of tears,

One day

You’ll understand.

You’ll understand

There was once another child

A different child

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes

That child will never keep them up at night

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever

How infinitely fragile

Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother’s tears

Another father’s silent grief

Then you, and you alone

Will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,

You will tell them

With great compassion,

“I know how you feel.

I’m only here

Because my mother tried again.”