Trust

Another year has come and gone in our journey to expand our family. To say I am frustrated and sad would be an understatement. I'm not sure why this is happening to us or if we ever will have any more children but I am trying to remind myself that it is all in His hands and on His time. Whenever I am feeling especially low I listen to my Matt Hammitt CD. I actually love every single song on the album Every Falling Tear, but the song Trust really helps me. Just read these lyrics...

Lest I'm tempted to forget
I'll tie your love around my neck
I'll write you words upon my heart
Lord, I won't forget how good you are

I'll dwell upon your faithfulness
I'll rest within your promises
And when I'm walking through the dark
Lord, I won't forget how good you are

I will trust you, I will trust you
I will trust you, Lord, with all my heart
And I won't forget how good you are
No, I won't forget how good you are

You gave me everything I have
And my whole life is in your hands
When what I fear is closing in
Lord, your faithfulness will never end
Your faithfulness will never end

I will trust you, I will trust you
I will trust you, Lord, with all my heart
And I won't forget how good you are
No, I won't forget how good you are

And even in the darkness, even in the questions
Even when the hardest times of life are at hand
Yeah, even in the darkness, even in the questions
Even in the times that I'm not meant to understand

Oh, I will trust you, I will trust you
I will trust you, Lord, with all my heart
Oh, I will trust you, I will trust you
I will trust you, Lord, with all my heart
And I won't forget how good You are
And I won't forget how good You are

And even in the darkness, even in the questions
Even when the hardest times of life are at hand
Even in the darkness, even in the questions
Even in the times that I'm not meant to understand

This song reminds me of all that I do have. What I have is A LOT! This struggle is something that I can't change. The only thing I can do, I am already doing and it isn't working - YET! We have decided to take an emotional, physical and financial break from fertility treatments for a while. My mind, body and wallet need a break. I'm not sure how long we will wait but for now I want to work very hard to get myself back on track. I feel like I have just let myself turn into something I don't want to be. I need to work out, sleep more and do something about the slump I'm in. I know that it all stems from this stress, but it has to stop. Depression becomes all consuming and inches into every part of your life pretty quickly and I just don't want my girls to think of Mommy as a sad and moody lady.

I don't know how long we will try whenever we begin again, but I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be able to just give up forever. We both want this too much for that to happen. But I really want to try harder to not let it consume my world. It is so hard to do because when I'm in the middle of a treatment I have numerous appointments and I have to act as if I'm pregnant just in case I am. And in this last year we have done 8 rounds, which means that I've spent almost 8 months in limbo. I just can't and don't want to do that anymore. I need to find a way to detach myself from the situation. I tried not talking about it and I do think that helped a little. This way no one was checking in and asking if I was pregnant or how I felt. I thought about it a little less, but nothing can really take away the sting when my period starts. I just want to know why the hell it has to be such a bright RED reminder that I'm not pregnant complete with cramps! In the two weeks building up to it I start imagining symptoms and thinking "well maybe...." and so when I'm not pregnant I almost feel like I'm having a miscarriage each time. It doesn't just feel like I'm having a period, but instead that I'm losing a baby. I don't know how to change that but I really want to try because that just makes it all so much worse!

This post was supposed to be about how I am going to do better and I am going to try, but I'm just not there yet. I do know that I trust in Him and I surely hope He is planning to make our dreams come true at some point in the near future.