We are still alive...

I haven't blogged since the miscarriage but we are still alive here at the Rethman house.  Things are mostly normal and that is thanks to the pair of sweet three year old girls that hold our hearts.  It's crazy how little people can adapt and bounce back from situations so quickly.  They were sad, very sad, the day we told them about the baby and every so often they ask questions but mostly they are fine.  I'm happy about that because, of course, I don't want them to be scarred by this but it also makes me feel sad that this sweet baby can be so easily forgotten.  In a way I feel like this has made me react in the same way.  If life can move on so easily for everyone else I feel like I'm not supposed to be in mourning.  I know that people mean well but I really don't know what to say when people ask how I am or tell me to hang in there.  What else would I be doing?  I'm going through the motions of life and I may appear to be okay but really I'm sad.  Comments about everything happening for a reason and that I need to remember and appreciate the blessings that we do have.  That comment is the worst.  Of course,  I appreciate our blessings in fact that is why this is so hard because I know how amazing it is to be a parent.  Having our girls is the best part of our life.  It is so ridiculously hard to know that we should have 4 beautiful children in our home and not just 2.  I know I will meet them someday but that just isn't good enough.  I want my 4 1/2 year old and my big growing belly with our soon-to-be sweet baby here now! 

I hope this doesn't sound rude but if you haven't been through this heartache then you really can't imagine what I feel.  I know people don't know how to respond and I don't even know what I want people to do.  I guess mostly I want our child to be acknowledged but I don't really want to be asked about it right now.  I'm  completely aware that I'm impossible.  I don't want to have to say I'm okay because I'm not and I don't know how else to respond.  People don't really want me to say how I'm feeling because that's awkward so I just say I'm okay but really I'm not.

I looked up the stages of grief and it is so crazy how accurate they are.  I am definitely going through them but I kind of flip between stages 1-4.

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Lonliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope

Having gone through this before I know that I will make it through but it just takes a long time.  And even after you're through it, you will go back over time.  Right now I feel like I'm mourning both losses again.  I'm struggling with what to do next.  Right away I wanted to try again because I just wanted to be back in the spot we were in: happy, excited and pregnant.  I do still want that but I'm just not sure I can take the risk of this happening AGAIN!  This post wasn't supposed to be this sad and depressing but once I started typing the truth just came out. 

Here is what is keeping me going-

I love them with my whole heart!