Shattered Dreams

Yesterday, Wes and I went back to the fertility center for what would be our final appointment there....EVER!  7 years of appointments there and we were done.  I was 9 weeks, 6 days and we were having an ultrasound to see our sweet baby one more time before being released to my regular OB.  I told Wes that morning that I was nervous about the appointment.  I had been feeling that way for a few days and I don't really know why.  My belly was sticking out and I was still extremely tired but I wasn't really feeling nauseous like I had been.  He told me that was silly and I was obviously pregnant (while pointing at my belly) and that I need to think positively. 

As soon as the scan started I knew something was wrong.  The baby should have been very easy to distinguish with moving arms and legs and a beating heart.  Remember we saw the heartbeat on February 4th.  The sac was there and was quite a bit bigger but there was only a ring inside of it and no baby.  Dr. Karnitis said that there was most likely a chromosomal abnormality, such as Downs Syndrome or Turners Syndrome, with the baby and that by the size of things it probably stopped developing a few days to a week after my last appointment.  The heart stopped at some point too.  I can't even explain the crushing blow that we felt. Dr. K and the nurses were all so wonderful to us and gave us time alone and came back to answer any questions that we had.  He told me our three options were to do nothing and wait for the natural miscarriage that would come but could take up to 2 months, have a D&C but he thought wasn't really necessary because the pregnancy was so small or to take Cytotec, a medicine that will induce a miscarriage.  I take 4 pills and a few hours later the miscarriage will begin.  He described it as my third worst period.  I possibly would have had worse period cramps but that it would be kind of painful.  He would also prescribe Percoset for the cramping.  He said I didn't have to decide right then but we were already there and I didn't want to have to come back Monday with my decision and then take several more days off of work.  I didn't want to wait for a miscarriage not knowing when it would come.  I definitely didn't want to have surgery.  So we opted for the Cytotec.  They gave me a paper with some information about it and my two prescriptions.  I have to come back on Monday still to take my Rhogamm shot that I have to have after all pregnancies because of my blood type. 

I cried a lot at the office and in the car but I was also just in shock.  We went to my parents to pick up the girls and I just remember feeling numb.  I cried a little with each of them but not like I thought I would.  My sister stopped over and I think I surprised her because I was just so calm.  I don't know why.  It was weird.

We took the girls home and while we ate dinner we told them because that is when all of our whole family conversations take place.  I said, "You know how Mommy and Daddy went to check on the baby today?  Well we found out that the baby stopped growing and it died.  The baby is in heaven now with Grandma Nancy".  Stella didn't know what to say and I'm pretty sure she didn't really understand.  Mya kept getting this horrible look on her face and asking us why.  Then she started crying and telling us she didn't want the baby to be in heaven.  She came and sat on our laps and we tried to talk about our highs for the day as we always do.  As soon as she was done with her high she said she wanted to tell us her low.  She said "My low was when the baby died and is in heaven" and she just bawled.  It broke our hearts and we were crying with her.  That night after we put them in bed Stella came back to our room with her baby doll and said that her baby was dead and in heaven but she's just pretending.  She also said she wanted to pray for our baby.  That broke my heart too.

At 8:00 I took the medicine.  I had debated about when I would do it but I figured why put it off and then I could have the whole weekend at home for this to happen.  After about an hour and half I started cramping really bad.  At 11:30 I started bleeding huge clots and tissue and that continued on all night long.  I was bawling because now this was real.  By 1:00 the cramps were insane and so I decided to take just one Percoset.  I've had that before and it made me feel terrible but I had taken 2 and had hardly eaten so I figured just one pill after a full meal would be okay.  About 45 minutes later I was woozy and dizzy.   I hated it.  After going to the bathroom again and losing a lot of blood I felt nauseous and ended up throwing up and getting the chills.  That was at about 3:00 a.m.  It was terrible and I was afraid to go to sleep because I felt like I was going to pass out.  I think I fell asleep around 4:00.  When I woke up in the morning I was still bleeding and I had major cramps.  I stayed in bed all day.  My sister came and took the girls for a few hours and fed them lunch for us.  We definitely appreciated that. 

Tonight was my sweet niece, Reese's first birthday party but I just wasn't up for leaving the house so my parents came and took the girls to the party for us.  I'm still feeling numb.  I'm feeling like this is so unfair.  I'm feeling angry.  But surprisingly none of these feelings are directed at God like they were with our first sweet baby's miscarriage.  Maybe that's why this feels different to me.  I'm still absolutely crushed but not in the same way that I was before.  I don't know if that makes sense. 

I've learned that we have the absolute BEST family and friends that anyone could ask for.  The outpouring of texts, calls, Facebook messages and love was amazing.  My sweet friend, Jessica, even sent me some beautiful flowers.  My husband is the best man I know and has been absolutely wonderful to me.  He is going through this too and is crushed but his number one priority has been taking care of me.  I think we are going to try again but that will be decided for sure after I talk to Dr. Karnitis again on Monday.  But for now I'm in a daze and my heart is broken.  My sweet, sweet miracle baby that we waited over 3 years for is in heaven and there's nothing I can do about it.