Tough Nights

I have been feeling like a terrible mom the last few nights. We decided it was time to get rid of the swaddle blankets and get them to sleep all night with a sleep sack where their arms are free. Our nighttime routine begins with a bath and is followed by their final feeding of the night. I have been trying to make sure they don't fall asleep while they eat so that they are going to bed awake. Bedtime is 7:30ish. This was happening just fine when they were in their swaddle blankets. They would sleep until about 4:30-5:00ish and we would then bring them down to our bed so I could feed them and they would fall back asleep with us until 7:0o or 7:30. It was great and it worked so well. That was until I talked to my sister and I realized I have been setting myself up for something I can't very easily undo. They now know what they are doing and will depend on this. They don't really need to eat at 4:30, they could wait until 7:00, but when they wake up at that time I'm tired and I don't want to try to settle them back down. Remember I have to do this twice because they don't wake at the same time. So feeding them to sleep was easier.

So I thought I'm cutting them off cold turkey. I figured if I'm going to have a few hard nights I might as well get it all over with at once. That meant no swaddling, pacifiers, feedings or coming down to our bed. Well, I had no idea what I was in for. First of all, getting them to sleep with their arms free is nearly impossible. They move their arms and wake themselves up. They also pull out their pacifier and that makes them cry. It takes Stella about 45 min. to an hour to fall asleep this way. Mya has yet to do so. That girl will cry and scream until she is coughing and her hair, jammies and bedding are soaked with her tears. I try so hard to go in and calm her without picking her up, but there is just no soothing her at that point. Also, they share a room. It blows my mind what they will sleep through, but she gets really loud and I don't want Stella to wake up again. If she finally gets to sleep there is no doubt that she will wake up again and this process is repeated. I get so exhausted (especially knowing I have to get up in the morning at be alone with them all day) that I give in and pick her up. But as soon as I put her down she wakes up and screams. Finally, I end up swaddling her and she goes to sleep. Oh and the no pacifier thing is just not happening yet.

I hate with a passion listening to my babies cry. Wes is stronger than I am so he tells me to go downstairs and turn the monitor off. I even took a shower the one night as we were trying to get them down to sleep so I wouldn't hear them. This makes me feel like such a wuss and a terrible mom. Wes says it means I'm a great mom. I love them and I don't want them to be sad. This is true, but I also know it is in their best interest to learn how to fall asleep and soothe themselves. I'm totally lost right now with this. I'm tired and I don't know how to fix it.