It's Time

I'm pretty sure our fertility journey is coming to an end.  I have been asking God to help me make this decision because for the longest time I just really couldn't make the decision to quit.  Our last pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage in February was such a glimmer of hope even if it ended in a horrible way.  I was pregnant, which means I could still get pregnant!  It took 3 years to get pregnant, but it happened and it happened at just the time when I was going to give up.  In the 5 months since our loss something has really changed in me.  I still would love nothing more than to have our third living child that would complete our family, but I have been able to look at our little family of four and think that maybe it is complete. This last failed attempt was just icing on the cake.  I was sad but not in the same way.  Before it felt like every failed attempt was a miscarriage and now it just feels disappointing and like I'm a failure......not feelings you want to have month after month! It was a heavy cross to bare and I'm ready to put it down.

I know that I am completely over living my life in limbo.  I feel like for the last 7 years it has been a million what if questions.  Always waiting and wondering and not really focusing on the moment.  I have had countless appointments and taken tons of medicine and I'm just over it.  I want to just enjoy my family and completely appreciate every moment with our girls since we will only ever get to experience these firsts once.  I hate that a lot of moments have passed that while I did appreciate them, I always thought I would get to do them again with our next child.  I don't want that anymore.

We recently moved Mya into the extra bedroom because the girls were having such trouble going to sleep at night together.  We told her it was going to be plain in her room because we weren't going to decorate because if we got pregnant that would be the new baby's room.  So it is stark white in there and I want to decorate it for her.  Another thing in limbo!

Our attic, the girls' closet, Mya's new bedroom and my grandma's basement is exploding with baby stuff and the girls' clothes that I haven't wanted to sell just in case.....(there's that limbo thing again).  I want to have a huge garage sale and get rid of it and give us some more room!  That is something I never would have considered until recently because what if I needed it again????

I feel much more at peace and while I will always have the feeling that we are missing a piece of our family I know that I have two more beautiful children in heaven to meet one day.  Wes and I have made four perfect little people and I am so very grateful for that.  If we are blessed with another miracle someday our hearts will explode with happiness but for now I am ready to say that I am done trying so hard.  Maybe this won't be forever and maybe I will want to go back to trying but for now I want to live MY life.  Something I feel I haven't really done all these years!