Hannah's Hope

My mom gave me a book that she bought a while ago and wasn't sure if she should give to me or not.  It is the story of the biblical Hannah and her struggle with barrenness (infertility nowadays).  I didn't start reading it immediately and I have only read a few chapters so far, because I'm really struggling with my relationship with God right now.  The author of this book, Jennifer Saake, has two living children but has struggled for over 12 years with her inability to get pregnant, miscarriages once she was pregnant and failed adoptions.  Her heartache was extreme but she choose to not become overly bitter and clung to her faith.  She did say her first few years she did struggle the most.

Lately, I have been questioning whether I really do want another baby.  I feel overwhelmed with the girls sometimes and think "How could I ever handle another one?" But reading a few pages of this book or looking at my photography board on Pinterest, which is full of baby ideas, and I'm crying my eyes out.  I think I am trying to make myself think I don't want a baby because maybe that would hurt less, but when it comes down to it I want another child more than anything in this world right now and for some reason unknown to me it isn't happening.  Wes REALLY wants another one too and I have no doubt that we would figure everything out just like we did with the girls.  He is the most amazing father my children could ever have and so I never have to do any of the parenting alone and I know that we both would love that baby like crazy!

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

Proverbs 13:12

I'm also struggling with the fact that it is me that is the problem here.  I requested another consultation with my fertility doctor and my endocrinologist that monitors my pituitary tumor.  At both appointments I was told again that I am basically a mystery to them.  They don't understand why I don't respond to medicine when they give me huge doses.  My fertility doctor said that in my 9 failed IUI attempts all but one could have resulted in quads for most people and I haven't even been successful once.  Both doctors told me that we shouldn't give up, which is what I wanted to know most.  I really do trust their opinion but I just wondered if they really would tell me that it is time to give up.  I just don't know how long my heart can hold on.  I do feel peace when we aren't in the middle of a treatment and I can turn my attention to other things, but it is still in the back of my mind.  I just don't know if I could ever get my head and heart okay with completely giving up.  Wes says it is up to me when we stop because it is my body that has to go through it all.  But that is where I feel like a failure of a wife.  He absolutely wants another child and he should have more because like I said he is amazing.   He could have more if he had a different wife, one who wasn't broken like me.  This is my struggle.

My relationship with God definitely needs some work but I'm not currently in a spot that I can work on it.  I'm angry and I don't understand.  Why? Why? Why? Why? is all I can think.  I don't get it and I don't think there is anyone who can make me understand.  Reading this book, the author is definitely trying but I'm not sure if I'm open enough to hear it.  I want to be though, so what do I do? I don't feel like I can talk to him.  I mean I can talk but I don't feel like I hear an answer.  I realize he isn't going to be actually talking to me, but I listen to people telling me how they know when he responds or tells them what to do and I don't feel that way.  My mom says she thinks it is because I'm not "still enough".  So I guess I don't know how to do that either. 

But I cry to you for help, O Lord: in the morning my prayer comes before you.  

Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?

Psalm 88: 13-14 

I want to be clear that I believe in God and I teach my girls about Him and that He loves them.  I just don't feel very loved or listened to right now. Unless He's telling me that he just doesn't want me to have anymore and He is putting up these road blocks as his answer to me.  If that's the case it makes me even more angry, because we are good parents and we want this.  Giving babies to drug addicts, violent parents or teenage girls just doesn't make sense when we are very willing and capable people who love our children to pieces.  

A heart at peace gives life to the body,

but envy rots the bones.

Proverbs 14:30 

Venting helps a little.